Hey guys, I’m Baal. I used to be a Dungeon Keeper, but then something went terribly wrong and I got dumped into the hell of unstable virtual machines and bluescreens. Finally, after long years of torment, I’ve been brought back to the world of the living. By some douchebag with an inferiority complex.
His name’s Oscar van Fairweather, and he’s an incompetent prick. He insists on calling me ‘Death Slayer’, whatever that’s supposed to mean. I used to control empires, and now I’m on the leash of this idiot. The best of it: He summoned me to do his dirty work, and still he insists I ‘prove myself to him’. Yeah, you watch your back, bro, because I’m a demon from hell, and I’m cranky.
So we get to build a dungeon, that’s fun, right? Well. Turns out I have to stick to some demonic blueprints or something, so I can’t really design the place like I used to. Still, it’s all pretty cozy and comfy, I like the kitchen and the treasure rooms, all very well designed. I tried to tell Oscar that demons love feasting on tender chicken, but he wouldn’t listen – so foul mushroom soup it is.
The old dungeon where I used to live was also much more relaxed and accommodating. We tried to make it a nice place where demons of all kinds could just feel at home, you know? Gambling, torture, that sort of thing. In this new place I only get to work with mercenaries – useless bunch of maggots. It’s never a great situation, conquering an empire with mercenaries. They train fast, but they die faster.
You know, I don’t mean to sound nostalgic or old-fashioned… but some things were just better in the old days. For one, I didn’t have to be such a bureaucrat. Money, that’s what you needed to buy stuff. Nothing else mattered, you know? Now we have a random assortment of treasures along with hard-to-come-by building materials, and there’s never enough space to put it all! We can’t even take what we need from the ground around us, we need to go steal it like some low-life thieves! I never thought I’d sink so low.
Let me take you through a typical day of mine: First we hire a squad of goons, give them a little training. I send them off into the mountains to rob materials and treasure. With those, I unlock more space for more squads so we can plunder more materials and treasure, so we can build more squads. I plunder more stuff to build more storerooms and treasure chambers to store more stuff! Then I plunder more to fill them up so I can pay more for even more squads! And in between, some of my goons die so I have to spend more mushrooms and materials on more goons!! AAAAH!
I used to build, expand, and slaughter! I tended a pulsating dungeon heart, ripe with possibilities! Now, all I do is shuffle ledgers! It’s driving me nuts.
Oh, and the best part? Fairweather must think me incredibly stupid, because he believes in ‘rewarding’ me with ‘points’ every time I do something. Oh, you plundered 100 materials? Have a point. 100 treasures? Another one. Levelled a squad? Even more points. What do I do with them? I unlock new rooms and monsters. Which, I remind you, I need anyway to finish my tasks. Why doesn’t he just give them to me at the start of the workday?! Why do I have to go through this insanely boring routine every single time?! I always end up having too much points anyways, so it’s not like I have to pick and choose carefully what I might need. There’s no challenge!
Apart from the boring daily business, Fairweather keeps meeting random strangers in the underworld. I swear if I have to sit through one more lame-ass, unfunny conversation I’ll murder someone.
Speaking of murdering someone: What the devil are we doing? I know we’re evil, but this entire campaign so far is just a stupid grasp for revenge. Fairweather apparently hates everyone because they’re mean bullies and his daddy never loved him, so we go kill them all. That’s real mature, dude. You know what my first mission was? I got to poison a town full of women and children with rat poison. Not only did it take me ridiculously long to do that, for a beginning, but… rat poison? Children? In the next place I had to poison a wagon with herbs that drove to an orphanage. Seriously?! What did these kids ever do to you, Fairweather?!
We used to hunt heroes, you know? Those douchey goody two-shoes that had it coming? Why is it that even though I am an evil hell spawn I feel really bad about my job? I thought being evil was supposed to be fun and, well, not so serious. If I want serious I can go straight back to hell, thank you very much.
You know, I’ve had it with this moron. I’m leaving. I’m gonna build my own dungeon with blackjack and dark mistresses. See ya in the olden days, folks.